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I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS: THE POWER OF THE “SOCIAL SAFETY NET”

October 4, 2013 by 3 Comments

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It’s been crazy at my house lately.  I’m talking off-the-wall chaos.  While I do need to vent a bit, that is not the purpose of this article.  Rather, the experiences of the past couple of weeks have highlighted the importance something I call the social safety net.  So, I wanted to talk both about what we have been going through at “Casa de Chaos” (my house) but also highlight how our “social safety net” allowed us to manage the chaos and deal with stress that would have overwhelmed us at any other time.

I.                   The Social Safety Net Defined

In my new book, The Special Needs Parenting Survival Guide, I discuss ways in which parents of special needs children can manage better and improve their quality of life.  One of the cornerstones of my system is the “Social Safety Net.”

To create a social safety net, parents identify, recruit, train and nurture key people who can provide needed support for them and their child.  The more key people added to the net, the more resources the family has at their disposal.  The more resources at the family’s disposal, the more stress they can manage because the stress gets dispersed throughout the net.  I recently was reminded of just how powerful this can be.

II.                 The crazy 2 weeks at my house

For those of you who don’t know my background, I have five children with special needs.  Two boys with Autism, an adult son with ADHD, a daughter with IDD and another daughter with significant health issues.  About a month ago, my daughter with the health issues had many of her conditions flare up.  We tried everything we knew might work, but to no avail.  Two weeks ago, when she was unable to keep any food down and was losing weight she was admitted to the hospital.

For any family this is a big deal, to have a child in the hospital.  However, with the significant needs of the other 4 children, there are several added degrees of difficulty.  My wife ended up staying at the hospital with my daughter and I stayed home to take care of the kids.  On top of this I had to juggle issues at work, with my practice as well as other medical and school appointments for the other kids.

The situation was terrible.  Each day we figured my daughter would be discharged, but then something else would come up and then stay would get extended.  For a week this happened and then she was discharged.  Unfortunately, after  a couple of days, her symptoms returned worse and she went back in the hospital for another week (this time to get a feeding tube put in).  More juggling of schedules and responsibilities.

With one parent out of the picture (at the hospital) we were unable to engage in our usual parenting teamwork to get things done.  Furthermore, having a parent and a child out of the home added stressors to all the other kids (based on changes in routine and worry).  Let’s face it…no matter what‘s gone wrong…life goes on.  The laundry needs doing, food needs cooking.  Life doesn’t stop for a crisis (no matter how much you might want it to do so).  If it were just Lorrie and myself, our resources would have been overwhelmed.  I shudder to think what might have happened.

Thankfully, I am a therapist who practices what he preaches.  For years, Lorrie and I have been building our social support network.  When everything went pear-shaped, we were able to draw on the resources of trusted friends and family to help disperse the stress and get things done.  It was still hard… terrible really, but the situation became survivable because of the support of our network.

III.              The key players and why it worked

So, here are some of the people who helped get us through this trying time:

My mom – she helped do laundry (did I mention our washer is broken at this time?  Yeah,when it rains it pours).  With 5 kids, laundry piles up quickly and without Lorrie around, I couldn’t easily get to the laundry mat.  She also was there to just talk and let me vent.  She and my step-father drove supplies or my wife to the hospital (changes of clothes, activities, etc.).  She also wrote some great letters to my daughter to help her deal with her anxiety and worry.

Michele – A good friend of the family and fellow therapist (http://www.michelepaiva.com) not only kept in touch with my daughter through texts and phone calls.  She put together several care packages.  She even gave me a chance to sit and talk, putting the worry aside, for about a half hour in the middle of a particularly bad day which was perhaps he greatest gift of all.  Her thoughtfulness and support were and are outstanding.

Angela – Our foster care social worker.  She helped deal with various scheduling and school issues.  She answered emails and diverted some of the usual BS we have to manage freeing me to focus on what I needed to do.  She came over and sat with the kids when I couldn’t get home in time from work or other obligations. She went above and beyond.

Rand – Another therapist and colleague.  He also let me vent.  He even took over therapy on some of our co-therapy cases…freeing me up to do my parenting thing without guilt.  He was a kind voice of support and reason.

Dr. Chang – Our allergy specialist.  He helped coordinate doctors within various departments to make things run a little smoother at the hospital. He didn’t have to as his specialty wasn’t really needed for what was being done.  Despite that, he stepped up and helped sort things out.

Anthony – A co-worker and friend.  He kept me in the loop with stuff at work and ran some interference as I tried to juggle parenting and work.

My son, Zak – He stepped up and helped with housework and helped keep things stable when I couldn’t be home.  He really stepped up his game and I am grateful.

My sister  — She also let me talk and vent.  When I asked her to run some stuff up to the hospital he immediately said yes. When it turned out she couldn’t do that, she sorted at the situation and arranged for my Mom to do that without involving me (other than letting me know about the change in plans).  She saved  from having to solve yet another problem and helped alleviate a little bit of stress.

These people stepped up and helped…many without my having to ask.  Why?  Because Lorrie and I have spent time educating them as to our needs and our “reality.” We spend time nurturing and renewing connections with these people (and others) so there is not a sense of “using” them.  They are valued friends.  The work that made things work the past two weeks started years ago and will be on-going (because I am sure there are more crises coming down the pike).

To all the people in my net…I am filled with gratitude for all that you do.  Your help and support is invaluable and will be returned someday.

IV.             Make connections and disperse the stress

With “neurotypical” families, the social safety net often naturally develops.  Family, friends, and other people just seem to connect and offer support.  When the family has an exceptional child, these natural supports are often ill-equipped to provide support.  They typically are inexperienced with the child’s needs (much like the new parents).  This can leave the parents isolated and without support when they need it most.

To combat this tendency towards isolation, I counsel my parents to identify their resources and actively train them to be supports.  Once identified and trained, these supports can be nurtured.  The ore people parents can train and nurture, the more help they will have when they need it.

The people with whom you connect, the deeper and sturdier your net.  The effect is when stress hits, bits and pieces of that stress can be sent out into the net for others to manage thus making the load a little lighter on the parents.  More people bring more skills and knowledge to the table allowing for the entire team to be more responsive to a wider variety of situations.

V.                Final Thoughts

If you are the parent of a special needs child and you don’t have a social safety net, then I urge you to start doing the work to create one.  Start fostering those crucial connections. This, more than anything will reduce your stress load and make life more manageable.

Be critical about the people with whom you surround yourself.  Only keep those who will build you up, help you, nurture you.  Distance yourself from users and those who bring you down.

To learn more about how to create a social safety net, check out The Special Needs Parenting Survival Guide. You can also contact me for a free consultation at 484-693-0582 or erikyounglpc@verizon.net

© Erik Young, M.Ed., LPC 2013

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Filed Under: anxiety, Autism, family, relaxation, Social Skills, Stress Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dealing with Homework Battles

September 6, 2013 by Leave a Comment
 homework battles

School is back in session.  This means the return of homework.  Does your child hate to do homework?  Does homework time come with crying, arguing and tantrumming?  Does 30 minutes of homework consume a couple of hours of your life every night? If you said yes to any of these questions, then I’m betting you hate homework even more than your child!

In my experience, there is nothing a parent hates more than feeling helpless to help their child.  If this sense of helplessness is accompanied by regular irritation (such as was described in the previous paragraph) the pain is that much worse.  Why do some kids struggle with homework?  For some it’s anxiety for others it’s boredom or even not understanding how to do the work.  Homework problems are commonly seen in children with ADHD, autism, anxiety issues…although they are not uncommon to the “neurotypical” child.

What’s a parent to do?  Here are some tips that will hopefully reduce or eliminate homework battles.  Using these tips I’ve helped my own and other kids get a better handle on homework time.

 

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How do you eat an elephant?

This was a question my mother used to pose to me when I was struggling with big problems.  It is a question I often pose to my clients.  So, I ask the question.  The first answer usually is something like “I don’t want to eat an elephant.”  To this I reply, “Just pretend you are super hungry and all you have to eat is a whole elephant.  How would you eat it?”  At this point they usually shrug and look at me like I’m pretty crazy.

So, what’s the answer?   (It’s ok… I will wait while you cogitate.)  The answer is “ONE BITE AT A TIME.”  When you have a big problem to tackle (like a lot of homework) just start by doing the first bit, then the next bit…wash, rinse, repeat until you’re done.  Basically, instead of doing one big bit, do lots of little bits.

  • Break up the homework into smaller sections (little bits).
  • Keep the sections limited to what your child can do without getting too upset.  If they can only do 10 minutes at a time, then limit the “bits” to 10 minute sections.
  • In between sections, take a few minutes break to do something fun and relaxing to allow your child to calm down.

By doing this, you keep homework relatively easy.  You are less likely to have your child go over the precipice into anxiety or tantrum.  When this happens, their ability to learn and think is compromised. By keeping away from the “hot  head” zone and in the “cool head zone” you maximize your child’s ability to think and process information.  This should lead to better results with the homework.

I first discovered this technique when I was in music school.  I had three part-time jobs, a full college class load.  I did not have much time to practice.  As a result I had to jump on a piano whenever there was one available for 10 minutes or so.  I had to focus my practice sessions.  I’d work on scales one time, then on a difficult part of a song at another time.  What I found is that I made better progress with these little sessions than with the longer marathon sessions.  Later, I found the same success with homework.  Doing lots of little bits with a clear head and focused effort gets more done than trying to “eat the elephant” in one big bite.  In some cases, I’ve had clients get twice as much done in three or four 10-15 minute mini-sessions than in 2 hours of cramming.  Also, because the work is done with a clear and focused mind, the information tends to stick better and get processed more.  I know, for me, when I crammed for tests, I very quickly forgot the information and would have to re-study it later.

The parent as coach rather than disciplinarian

Maximizing success with the lots of little bits homework strategy requires a shifting in your role as parent. You need to move away from just being the disciplinarian into a coaching role.  Instead of standing over your child, cracking the proverbial whip to keep them on task and getting the work done (with the rending of clothes and the gnashing of teeth), you need to take a less authoritarian and more authoritative role.

First, stay positive.  Praise your child for all attempts to get the work done, staying on task and staying calm.  Watch your child as he/she works.  Look for the warning signs of agitation or getting overwhelmed.  If a chunk of time is not done, but your child is starting to get frustrated.  Prompt them to check in and take a break.   (Remember, the idea is to keep your child in a relaxed calm state as much as possible).  If your child is on a roll and calm, maybe extend a segment.  Also look at using environmental controls to set limits.  A timer to show how long the child has to do work or has left of a rest period is great for example.  Designating  a homework area and restricting work and breaks in that area (to decrease distractions)is another great way to set limits without having to totally police your child.

When it is time to take a break, your job is to keep things structured.  Do not just hand your child the video game remote (you will never get your child’s attention back).  Do something WITH your child.  It should be fun, silly, and relaxing.  After a few minutes, prompt them back to the next segment of work.  Keep at it until homework is done.  When there is resistance, take a break, stay positive and upbeat, but also don’t let the child totally escape from the work until it is completed to your satisfaction.  In time, you may find that your child can tolerate longer and longer periods of work before needing a break.  You should also notice a decrease in the frequency and intensity of conflict.  I find it helpful to use a timer to set limits to how long the break is. Use lots of praise when your child complies and follows directions.

Good head “Coolers”

Here is a quick list of little games you can use during homework breaks to help your child relax an regain focus.

  • Bubbles – Children and teens of all ages respond to bubbles.  Bust out a bottle of bubbles and they can’t resist popping them. Have them practice blowing bubble slow and fast to teach breath control and reduce stress.
  • Beanie Baby Drop — Put a beanie baby on your head and then let it drop into the child’s hands.  Put it on his/her head and then let them drop it into your hands.  Add a countdown to practice self-regulation and reduce impulsivity.  Great with younger kids, but older kids respond too.
  • Cotton Ball Blow – Put some cotton balls on the table and then blow them back and forth with a straw. Can be a competitive or cooperative game. Try to see who can blow a cotton ball to the end of the table without blowing it off with one breath.
  • Back Letters —   write a letter on your child’s back with your finger.  Let them guess what letter it is. Have them do the same to you. Promotes touch and relaxation.
  • Knock Knock Jokes – tell each other knock knock joke… the sillier the better.
  • Name that tune – Play a snippet of a song on your computer or mp3 player. Have your child guess the tune.  Take turns.  Great with older kids to connect and engage.

I hope you find these tips helpful and that they reduce conflicts with your child over homework.  Please post any head cooling ideas or other homework tips in the comments section below.  If you want a free consultation about homework issues, then click on the schedule appointment button to your right.  Remember, BREATHE, you got this.

Copyright 2013 Erik Young,M.Ed., LPC

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Filed Under: anxiety, Autism, Behavior Modification, family, homework, Social Skills

What is your life worth? The importance of connections

July 27, 2013 by Leave a Comment

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I.                   Actuarial tables and a radio program

The other day, I was listening to a radio program on NPR (a therapist who listens to NPR I hear you say?  Shocking!).  I forget which program, but the host described going to see a person who did actuarial work for insurance companies.  This person’s job was to figure out how much a life was worth so if they were injured or killed the insured parties would be properly compensated.  Pretty cold, I know…but it’s a real thing.  In any case, the guy doing the piece was shocked to find he was only worth about $35,000.  The piece went on to talk about how people with families and kids tend to be worth more, because they are connected to and valued by others.

 

II.                 Let me google that for you…

This radio piece got me thinking.  On the one hand, life is priceless.  The whole actuarial process is pretty cold and ruthless.  Then again, the idea that one’s connections to others adds value to ones life is a profound and fascinating truth.  I decided to explore the idea further.

The first thing I did was go to google and type in the search “how much is my life worth.”  Go ahead…try it.  What I found was mostly fun, time-waster sites (although there were a couple of insurance sites that came up in my search).  They all let me take little surveys that purportedly placed some sort of value on my life.  I spent some time playing with these.  I know the results aren’t remotely valid or scientific, but is was interesting.  One thing I did was enter in data as a single man (keeping age, income and health stats constant) and then as my true self as a married father of 5 kids.  As a single man, I was worth about $50,000 but as my true married self, I was worth anywhere from 1.5 to 1.8 million dollars.  Quite a difference, eh?

What does this mean?  My life is enhanced by being married to my wife.  My life as further enhanced by the birth of my two children.  When Lorrie and I set about doing foster care, my life was enhanced further.  Everytime I make a new friend or help out someone else, it leaves me feeling good and thus enhances my life.  There’s something to the idea of being connected to others adding value to one’s life.  How much is it worth when I help one of my clients resolve some personal issue and live a happier, healthy life?  That person now interacts more positively with their friends and loved ones.  How much is all that worth?  How much does a teacher helping a student discover their passion and talents add value to that student’s life?  How much does that student then add to others as they pursue their talents as a functioning adult?

golden gate bridge

III.              The story of a bridge

If you are still not convinced of the importance of the connection to others, then let’s talk about suicide.  It’s one of my areas of specialty interest.  When I was a young therapist doing his internship at the Lehigh University counseling center, the director of the center told me that to save a the life of a person who was suicidal you needed to get them connected to at least one person.  He felt that single connection would often be enough to keep the suicidal individual from going from ideation to attempt or completion.  Later on, as  Devereux clinician, I became a gatekeeper instructor in the QPR suicide intervention system by Dr. Paul Quinnet (http://www.qprinstitute.com/).  As part of the training that I received (and the training I give on this topic), we tell the story of a bridge.  Here is a condensed version of that story.

There is a bridge in a major western city (it’s the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco).  This bridge is a magnet for people who are suicidal.  They come from miles around to leap from this bridge.  It’s a pretty long fall that is almost always fatal.  However, every once in a while someone leaps from the bridge but does not die.  In all the years the bridge has been in existence, never has a person who survived the jump climbed onto shore, gone back up the bridge and tried to jump again.  Some researchers were examining this phenomenon came up with an elegant intervention.  They met with all the people involved in the upkeep and maintenance of the bridge.  All the workers, security, administration, etc.  They trained these people to be on the look out for people who might be suicidal (lone people hanging around the edge of the bridge, people looking forlorn and sad, etc.)  They then tasked everyone who worked on the bridge to approach anyone acting suspiciously and ask them if they were ok.  They were to offer their help and listen to them…no threat, no intimidation. In short, they were to connect with these people.

The results of this intervention were surprising to say the least…incidents of suicide attempts on the bridge were reduced by something like 40% (I’m not sure of the exact results as I don’t have my training materials at hand right now).  Just think about that for a second…by simply asking people if they were ok and offering to listen to  them, there was a dramatic reduction is suicide attempts.  How many lives were spared by the mere act of connection?   How much value is added by that?

IV.             Ways to connect

I want you to add some value to your life.  Go out there and make some connections with people.  You could go out and make new connections.  You could also go out and re-connect with someone with whom you’ve lost touch.  In either event, add some value to your life (and their life) by making those connections.  Still not sure how to do that?  Here are a few simple tips to grease the wheels of connectivity.

A.                The 8-5 rule

I learned about this while researching ways to teach my Asperger’s clients how to socialize more comfortably with others.  In a book by Craig Kendall, he discussed the 8-5 rule. The 8-5 rule is used by high-end hotels. These hotels instruct all their staff to smile at customers when they are 8 feet away from them.  When they get within 5 feet, they are to say “hello.”  A nice simple guideline to give a friendly greeting.  I‘ve found that not only is this a good tool to teach my Asperger’s clients how to greet  others, but a handy way to be more warm and friendly towards others in my own life.  Try this out for yourself and see if you don’t make those connections a little easier.

B.                 Two ears, one mouth – listen

It has been said that we are gifted with two ears and one mouth…and we should use them proportionally.  We should listen twice as much as we talk. People like to feel they are being heard.  When you spend the time to listen to them, they feel like you care about them.  This increases your connection.

C.                 Ask lots of questions

Finally, when you do speak to someone with whom you are trying to connect, ask questions.  Asking questions shows that you are interested in them and what they have to say.  It encourages them to give you more information that you can use to deepen your connection to them.  I guarantee that if you listen more than you talk and that if you ask questions when you do talk that you will find yourself easily connecting with others and thus adding life value to you both.

As always, I hope you’ve found this information entertaining and useful.  I welcome your stories and tips on how to connect. You can post them in the comments section below.  Also, please feel free to share this or any of my articles with others.  If you are interested in working with me to learn more about how to connect with others then contact me at erikyounglpc@vrizon.net to schedule a free consultation.

©Erik Young, M.E., LPC 2013

 

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Filed Under: anxiety, Autism, Behavior Modification, change, couples, depression, family, relaxation, Social Skills, Stress, Uncategorized, video
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